“How long to go?”
“About 8 hours until sunrise” replied the boy in the corner of the tent. He was layered in blankets and warm clothes, his brown hair blowing around his face as the wind howled and shook the tent. He started to shiver.
“But it's so cold!” exclaimed the second boy, he was hardly recognisable in the huge pile of blankets and sleeping bags that were lying in the middle of the tent.
“I know, but I've made it this far and I'm not going to stop now, besides if we pulled back now we would have to face the wild animals. We have to wait it out until sunrise, then we can finish our journey and return home. I know it's cold, and I know it's windy and snowing but it's only gonna be worse in that white wasteland outside the tent!”
“I suppose” replied the second boy, he was disappointed. “I just want to go home”
“We can't leave now, this is a test of our endurance, only the brave and daring will succeed!”
They hear the howling of the wild beast.
“What, what was that?” questioned the scared boy amongst the pile. He starts to look around, trying to see if the noise was inside the tent but not daring to leave the safety of his blankets on the ground.
“I-I don't know. But whatever it was, it sounded big and scary” he said shaking with fear “And hungry” he added.
The wind gets stronger and stronger, shaking the tent. The branch of a tree scrapes against the canvas. The wild beast howls again. The snow is getting heavier as it dances in the wind.
There is a flicker of light in the distance. The boys look at each other in confusion. They thought they were alone. They thought they were out in the middle of nowhere. They thought that help would be almost impossible. The light gets closer as the shadow of the beast on the tent wall gets bigger. The tent door begins to open as the zip moves its way around the tent. A hand clutches the material and opens the door. The boys sit in fear. They are frozen. The door opens and a small familiar figure steps into the tent. The dog bounding in and jumps over the boys. A second figure makes its way inside.
“Boys! Get inside now! Your mother is worried sick! Your going to catch a cold!”
“Yes Dad” the boys reply.
Classic. Those stories of overexagerated thoughts of children never get old. At first i thought it was going to be really really cleiched with the boys being in the woods and lost and then get torn to shreds, but the twist was refreshing and really clever.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing is i sometimes thought i was reading a movie script. Because there was so muh dialogue and all the descriptions almost sounded like the sort of things you would have to film, But with that being said it was effective because it was a really clear picture of the environment the boys "Thought" the were in.
This is a very good story. I think though, that the use of dialogue took a little away from the effctiveness of the text. I found some of the dialogue just to be usueless, and some of the imagery was repetitive.
ReplyDeleteI loved how until the last sentence, i was made to believe the boys were alone, with no where to go, stuck in the snow, and then how it ends, finding they were just camping out. Even though it was a little like the "then i woke up" It was a different alternative, and used in the right way.
I also really like the ending in this one. It wasn't generic and it made me smile at the boys imaginings. Any story that can generate of love or hate of their characters in such a small amount of writing is excellent.
ReplyDelete"Your going to catch a cold!" You're. Make sure you're using the write one please! It's the only thing I could find fault with. Great work.
I love it how Giv, Bec and Amy read everything and comment lol
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with every comment above!Maybe you could of given the characters names instead of calling them fist boy and second boy.That doesn't really matter though.
The twist at the very end was very surprising.I seriously thought they were out in the middle of nowhere or something LOL!
It also excellent how you managed to fit such an amazing story in a short space. Thats called SKILL!!
AND OMG I JUST THOUGHT OF THE BEST IDEA EVARRR
Mr Goodwin i think you should publish a folder with all these stories in them (with our names of course)for something to look back on.I will probably cry if i read them in 7 years time!
That would be HEAPS COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!