Thursday, September 24, 2009

5th Story

A First

“Stay still!” demanded the stern man, as his cold spit sprayed across the room.

The small boy squirmed for escape in the black leather chair as he nervously avoided eye-contact with the hostile man. Surrounding the young boy were hundreds of sharp silver tools, gleaming against the fluorescent lights dangling from the cracked ceiling. The man forced the boy onto the chair sinking his small body into the thick rubbery leather. The tangled strands of hair covering the boy’s weeping face soaked the tears which flooded from his eyes.

The boy’s youthful heart pounded vigorously against his tiny, denim overalls which were hidden under a sleek black cloth, strapped tightly around his neck by a rough band of Velcro. Still struggling to escape, he screamed relentlessly for help as a young man approached and squeezed his hand tightly.

“It’s okay, it will be over soon,” he consoled.

The young man’s posture was awkward. His wiry body leant to the left as he gazed into the mirror at the small boy’s reflection. His face was narrow, with vivid blue eyes which stood out against his pale complexion, much like the boy.

As the stern man returned, the boy’s bright blue eyes widened. His eyes instantly began to swell and his thin lips trembled as the man revealed a silver electric razor. Tears poured down the boy’s pale cheeks as he squinted at the light reflecting off the sheer silver.

The boy’s piercing scream continued as he pleaded anxiously for escape, while the razor gradually moved closer in his direction. He looked down to the floor as tears rolled off his face, onto the thin black cloth which was strapped so taut to his neck, it almost choked him. The Velcro scratched the back of his neck every time he attempted to move away from the stern man, who was clenching the buzzing razor.

The buzzing became louder and louder, almost turning into a screech, as it approached the defenceless boy. He tried to block his ears with his child-like hands but they were thoroughly tangled in the silky black cloth, which was wrapped around his entire body. The boy screamed helplessly, once more, as the young man clutched his hand, tightly, hoping to keep the boy still.

Clumps of hair fell to the floor as the boy looked down. The boy’s screaming gradually ceased.

“See? It doesn’t hurt. It’s all over, son,” said the young man, as he released the boy’s hand.

The young man took the boy as they strolled out of the barber shop. The boy watched his father’s proud smile broaden. Relief struck the boy when he realised he had just accomplished his first haircut and the arduous procedure was over. It was worth it, though. At least he obtained a new hairstyle.

7 comments:

  1. Wow!A simple idea can truly create a magnificent masterpiece like this!
    At first i thought he was being kidnapped or something and got tied to a chair :S lol
    The description is outstanding!I must say not one of these short stories have been sound!
    Fantastic story!

    BY THE WAY,
    MR G i think you should review all of these stories in class one day or talk about them, because after all we are cool students=]

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree, Marie. You ARE cool students!

    And I'm going to miss you all next year.

    ReplyDelete
  3. i think that the use of a simple situation such as haircut was a fantastic way to take the "uncomfortable situation" guide line. It was described really well and i thought that it was a haircut in the first two paragraphs.

    I liked how you used third person and how this enabled you to use a lot more description rather than thoughts, however i think this story could work well with the different perspectives of the character, written in first person.

    Hope that made sense :S

    Loved it

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's really amazing how a few adjectives can take an ordinary situation, and turn into something completely unexpected. At first, when i was reading this, i thought it may have been the dentist, than as i read further into the language, i realised it was the barbers.

    Very good use of adjectives and visual imagery. Well done :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Once again, nice twist. The idea of turning something orginary and mundane into an ordeal was very effective and interesting. I loved the descriptiveness and imagery.

    Try to keep in mind the 'leave early' concept. Working the barber in as the boys father was a great idea but the ending would have made more of an impact if the last line wasn't 'at least he obtained a new hairstyle'.

    Very nice story =)

    ReplyDelete
  6. To giv

    I'm pretty sure that the Author did not have the boys father as the barber, because the boy walks out side to meet his father, therefore the barber and the father are two seperate people.

    Thats my interpretation anyway

    ReplyDelete
  7. reminded me of watching my brother getting his first few haircuts..... now I'm all nostalgic... =(

    Great story though.

    ReplyDelete