Thursday, October 8, 2009

11th Short Story

Standing in the middle of the park, just two guys, two guys who had never said a word before, never crossed paths before, they never even knew each others names, yet an ancient grudge lead them to do this; they were to fight, in the way true men fought.

“You think you’re pretty tough for someone with a picture of a horse on ya shorts”, Isaac yelled vigorously, “It’s called a Colt, the mightiest of all land animals, what have you got, a Lizard?”, “Goanna, it would eat your stupid pony”. Now between the two, they share about an IQ of about 1.5, but they are Footy players, and not just any Footy players, they come from two different, hated tribes; Cessnock and Branxton.

Joshua Walicking comes from Branxton, and has a plaque in his honour in Branxton for his incredible love of Rugby League and great skills in the game, however at times Joshua or “Shua” for short, can be quite reckless and never obeys the rules.

It so happens that this recklessness Shua possesses got him sent out of his school in Branxton, and no other school would take him in, all bar one…Cessnock High.

Cessnock High Is filled with rich tradition, once it had at least 3 students pass the School Certificate and are striving next year to get 5 students passing, but Cessnock High, in all of it’s glory, has one down falling… Every single student hates those that live in Branxton.

Now trying to get someone who is a Cult hero in Branxton to move to Cessnock is near impossible, however Shua would not be like 90% of Branxton teenagers and not attend school; He was to attend Cessnock High.

And here we are at the beginning again, Shua and Isaac, (Isaac being Cessnock’s most loved Footy player) they look into each others eyes, although heavily scared, Shua can see Isaac’s eye is twitching, it’s a genetic in normality that only those from Cessnock posses, Isaac looked around the fields, he saw in the distance a bunch of school girls egging him on (Isaac is quite popular with the ladies), he gave a brief wave and continued staring at Shua.

“One last warning Shua, leave town now or suffer the wrath of 10 seasons worth of training with the Goannas”, Shua just stands their, doesn’t flinch a muscle, his heart beats at the slowest metronome, showing he isn’t the slightest bit worried.

Isaac opens his lungs, and lets a ferocious scream out, he charges towards Shua when he sees something in Shua’s eyes…It’s the twitch.

19 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Ok. A grand total of two of those paragraphs contained more than one sentence. And I'm pretty sure only one of those was intentional. That is bad.

    "one down falling" I'm pretty sure that was meant to be 'one down fall'. And check your spelling. "someone who is a Cult hero" was obviously wrong.

    I'm absolutely horrified to say the only thing I liked about this was the last sentence, and it's effect pales next to the rest of the story. Ummmm.... Good effort. Sorry I can't say much else.

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  3. "I'm absolutely horrified to say the only thing I liked about this was the last sentence, and it's effect pales next to the rest of the story."

    "It's" shouldn't have an apostrophe. Hehehe.

    Sorry.

    ...

    But yes, I do agree with Giverny. I also think that this story was probably just written for laughs, rather than to impress people. I'm positive whoever wrote this can write to a much higher standard than this.

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  4. "I'm positive whoever wrote this can write to a much higher standard than this."

    That's a pretty large assumption there Steffie...
    :)

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  5. I know... but I'm trying to be nice.

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  6. Hahahaha, being nice is over-rated...

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  7. god, and goodwin complains about people not putting up there stories, u 3 just ripped the hell put of that person and should be ashamed, im sorry 4 u all to take it so seriously, its the essence of the story not the nitty gritty punctuation, it was a great story because it was a change, yes it could do with some work but lets aim for constructive criticism not sending the person to the wolves....

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  8. It wasn't until you ruined it by saying it was "a large assumption"!

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  9. I didn't... I said something nice! Josh just happened to question it.

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  10. Interesting to see the amount of attention this story has received!

    I know the person who wrote this story will be laughing his/her head off at the reaction it's getting.

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  11. Woah, woah, woah, calm down there Luke, I feel that since my name is included in the story, I have the right to have a laugh at the writer. Did they ever consider my feelings? I mean they ripped me off in the worst way possible... implying that I had even the slightest trickle of interest in the barabaric game of rugby league... that just doesn't sit right with me quite frankly.

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  12. I can remove it at your request, Josh, if you feel offended. I'd hate for there to be a 'Harry Connick Jnr.' moment here.

    Seriously, though. If no-one is going to have a crack at reviewing this story properly, then perhaps I SHOULD remove it and ask the writer to compose another one. Good practice for the exams, Mystery Writer!

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  13. now im just saying if i was the writer i wouldnt like to write another one lol haha so josh just take it like a man and move on lol... and we all know you have a soft spot for meathead ball josh :P lol....

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  14. OK, constructive critism.

    I actually liked this story. It was entertaining. It wasn't the most well-written thing, because as Giv said only two of the paragraphs contained more than one sentence.

    BUT, however, i did like the use of slang, and the 2nd paraghraph definately portrayed Footy players in a humourus way, which is something most of us can relate to.

    Just be careful, because taken out of context,(say if it was read in sydney) it wouldn't really make much sense, and it would lose it comedic value.

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  15. I quite liked this story, it was fast and the puns were cheap entertainment. Yes, the grammer, spelling, punctuation, and paragraphing could have been (heavily) improved, but in essence, it was a short cartoonish story.
    Though, I dont think the person who wrote this would be willing to try and get it published for many, many dollars...

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  16. wow!

    now this story could do with some serious work!

    i mean that isaac guys sounds like quite the ladies man but there is no real story here.

    cessnock v branxton we have heard it time and time again the last sentence could have been moved to the first sentence and you could of focused on all cessnock and branxtons smiliarities??

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  17. In response to the lack of sentance arguement, short paragraphs are a totally valid writing technique, espeically with light, comical stories like this one.

    NOTE TO ALL: Stories don't have to be deep or serious, sometimes we just need a little of the inter-town repartee!

    I agree its not the best writen story but I do like it.

    Mainly because of "Joshua Walicking aka. Shua"
    =D

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